Infertility Is My Scarlet Letter (And I Carry It Everywhere)

Infertility and The Scarlet Letter: The Invisible Letter No One Warns You About

When most people think of The Scarlet Letter, they think of adultery, sin, and a bright red “A” stitched onto a woman’s chest. What we do not always talk about is what the novel is really about underneath all of that.

It is about how society decides what makes a woman worthy.And what happens when she falls outside that definition.

That is where infertility enters the conversation.

---

Womanhood, Measured and Monitored

In Puritan New England, a woman’s value was tightly bound to sexual morality and motherhood. In modern life, the language has changed, but the measurement has not.

Instead of purity, the expectation is productivity. Instead of moral law, it is biology.Instead of a minister, it is a calendar, a doctor, a protocol.

Infertility quietly teaches women that their bodies are being graded. On cycles. On numbers. On outcomes.

If you do not “produce” in the expected way, you feel it immediately. Even when no one says it out loud.

The Invisible Scarlet Letter

Hester Prynne’s letter is impossible to miss. Infertility’s letter is invisible, but it follows you everywhere.

It shows up in:

• casual questions about when you are “starting a family”

• baby showers you feel obligated to attend

• the card aisle that suddenly feels hostile

• the silence when you say, “It’s been hard”

No one sees the letter, but everyone seems to sense it.

You are marked, just quietly.

Public Shame vs Private Grief

Hester’s punishment is public. She is made an example of. Her suffering is visible and deliberate.

Infertility works in the opposite direction. The suffering is private, and the expectation is composure.

You are grieving, injecting, waiting, miscarrying, recalibrating your entire identity, and still expected to:

• show up to work

• smile politely

• attend holidays

• be “happy for others”

Both experiences are rooted in control. One is loud. The other is silent. Neither is gentle.

Who Owns a Woman’s Body

Hawthorne’s novel is ultimately about who gets to decide what a woman’s body means.

In The Scarlet Letter, it is the church and the community. In infertility, it is medicine, timelines, insurance, laws, and social expectation.

Your body becomes a project. A problem to solve. A thing to be discussed in rooms you are not always emotionally prepared to sit in.

And when it does not cooperate, the blame feels personal, even when it is not.

Identity Beyond the Letter

One of the most powerful parts of The Scarlet Letter is not the punishment, but what happens after it.

Hester eventually becomes more than the letter meant to define her. She exists beyond shame, beyond the role imposed on her, beyond what the community decided she should be.

Infertility forces a similar reckoning.

Who am I if motherhood does not happen the way I was promised? Who am I if my body does not follow the expected narrative? Who am I outside this label?

These are not questions anyone prepares you for. But they are deeply human ones.

The Modern Takeaway

Infertility is a modern Scarlet Letter.

No fabric.

No embroidery.

No public square.

Just expectations burned quietly into your nervous system.

And like Hester, many of us are not broken by it. We are reshaped. Softer in some places. Stronger in others. More honest about how cruel these systems can be, and more compassionate toward anyone carrying an invisible letter of their own.

If you are living this, you are not imagining it.

And you are not alone.

---

Resources for Long-Term Infertility and Life After IVF

If this post resonated, here are supportive, realistic resources for women navigating infertility beyond the “just stay hopeful” stage:

Support & Community

• Resolve: The National Infertility Association – education, advocacy, and peer support groups

• Gateway Women – community for women who are childless after infertility

• Childless After Infertility (CAI) – peer-led groups focused on grief and identity

Mental Health & Grief

• Therapists specializing in reproductive trauma, infertility grief, or medical trauma

• Recommended books:

  • The Next Happy – Tracey Cleantis

  • Silent Sorority – Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

  • Unsung Lullabies – Janet Jaffe et al.

Practical Support

• Document IVF cycles and financial costs for yourself. Naming the loss matters.

• Seek providers who speak honestly about age, diminished ovarian reserve, and long-term planning.

• Curate social media. Protect your nervous system

If this felt familiar, you’re not alone. More honest conversations are coming.