My Journey with IVF: Understanding 5AA and the Complexity of Hope

The Emotional Rollercoaster of IVF

Before the call, I had prepared myself for a “no.” I wasn’t feeling emotional — just shut down, detached. I had mentally rehearsed disappointing news enough times that I thought I could handle whatever came next.

Then the embryologist said:

“You do have one beautiful little embryo… it’s a day six, 5AA.”

Suddenly, everything shifted. My heart skipped a beat. My body responded before my brain could catch up. I felt something unfamiliar move through me: not exactly joy, but energy. It was hope.

Her words drowned out everything I’d been bracing for — even the grief of another embryo that didn’t survive. Because there were two. One made it. One didn’t. I felt that loss, but I needed something to go right. So, I clung to her words like a lifeline: “One beautiful little embryo.”

The Unexpected Reaction to Good News

I didn’t anticipate my reaction to the 5AA news. I assumed hearing good news would feel like a win. Instead of elation, I froze. My body lit up… then tensed.

I’ve had transfers. I’ve received positive tests. I’ve also faced heartbreak. When I heard “5AA,” my brain didn’t translate that into hope. It saw it as a threat.

“Don’t get excited.”

“Don’t trust it.”

“Don’t make space for grief again.”

It’s strange how even joy can trigger a survival response.

IVF Embryo Grading: What Does 5AA Mean?

When the embryologist mentioned “5AA,” I nodded, trying to appear knowledgeable. But I didn’t understand. My instinct was to Google it immediately, then re-Google it, searching through Reddit threads for reassurance. It helped to know I wasn’t alone in my confusion.

Here’s what I pieced together:

| Part | What It Is | IVF Translation |

|------|------------|-----------------|

| 5 | Expansion stage | The embryo is fully expanded and ready for implantation — developmentally where it should be |

| A (Inner Cell Mass) | Becomes the fetus | “A” means excellent quality — baby-building material |

| A (Trophectoderm) | Becomes the placenta | Also excellent — top-tier support system |

So yes, a 5AA embryo is as high-quality as you can get. But even with that knowledge, I couldn’t celebrate. IVF embryo grading doesn’t guarantee a baby. My embryo still needed to pass one more crucial test.

Embryo Grading Chart

Waiting for Genetic Testing: The Hardest “Maybe”

The 5AA embryo is now frozen and being sent for PGT-A (genetic testing). I find myself in the place I dislike most: the in-between.

I don’t know if it’s chromosomally normal. I don’t know if this could become the baby I’ve always dreamed of. I struggle with how to prepare myself and how to protect my heart while I wait.

Every time my phone buzzes, I flinch. I spiral into thoughts of what could happen next. I check the calendar, trying not to hope. I constantly fail. I keep trying to hope responsibly, but I fail at that too.

The Role of Therapy in My IVF Journey

Throughout this journey, I’ve been working with a therapist who specializes in fertility and IVF. This decision has been one of the best choices I’ve made.

My therapist has helped me navigate the contradictions I experience:

• Joy and fear coexist within me.

• Gratitude is intertwined with grief.

• Panic rises, even after receiving “good news.”

  
  

She reminds me that I don’t have to force myself to feel one way or another. I can acknowledge the loss of one embryo while simultaneously holding hope for the other. My brain and body are just trying to protect me, even when it feels like I might break down.

Learning to Cope with My IVF Reality

Right now, I have a 5AA embryo. One didn’t make it, but one did. I am still processing both experiences.

I don’t know how this journey will end. Every day, I try not to jump ahead, focusing instead on today. I’m holding on to that one sentence: “You do have one beautiful little embryo.”

💬 Your Turn (If You Feel Like Sharing)

If you’ve ever received “good” results that left you feeling more confused or emotional than expected, I see you. You are not alone. You don’t owe anyone constant optimism. You can just be in the moment, even if that moment is complicated.

Embarking on this journey with hope and uncertainty is challenging, but together, we can share our experiences and support one another.