Fertility Terms That Need a Damn Rebrand (Like, Yesterday)

Because apparently, medical professionals think emotional sensitivity is optional...

“Diminished Ovarian Reserve? Cool, Cool, Cool…”

When I first saw diminished ovarian reserve, I thought—wow, way to kick a girl when she’s already down. Like yes, Susan, my ovaries are diminishing—right along with my patience, my savings, and my faith in humanity.

And geriatric pregnancy? GERIATRIC?? I’m in my 30s, still getting my period, still paying for streaming services, and somehow my uterus is now eligible for a senior discount. Cool. Love that for me.

So, in the spirit of reclaiming the medical jargon that feels like a personal insult, here’s the IVF’d Glossary—where we translate confusing, condescending fertility terms into plain English and sarcasm.

🧠 The IVF’d Glossary (Alphabetical Edition) of Fertility Terms

AMH (Anti-Müllerian Hormone)

Definition: A blood test that estimates how many eggs you have left.AKA: The psychic hotline for your ovaries—vague, moody, and sometimes wrong.

ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology)

Definition: Any fertility treatment involving eggs and sperm outside the body.AKA: The Bob Ross of baby-making.

“Let’s put a happy little embryo right here…” 🎨

Beta (hCG Test)

Definition: The blood test confirming pregnancy after a transfer or IUI.AKA: The season finale of IVF—equal parts hope and nausea.

Chemical Pregnancy

Definition: A very early miscarriage shortly after implantation.AKA: Hope that flickered and still mattered. 💔

Cervical Mucus

Definition: The not-so-glamorous fluid that helps or hinders sperm travel.AKA: Nature’s slip-n-slide. If you know, you know.

Cervix

Definition: The lower part of the uterus that acts as a doorway between the uterus and vagina.AKA: The unpredictable bouncer of the fertility club—sometimes welcoming, sometimes “not tonight.”

Cryopreservation

Definition: Freezing eggs or embryos for future use.AKA: The spa day your embryos get before their big debut.

Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)

Definition: Fewer eggs than average for your age.AKA: When your ovaries start Marie Kondo-ing and decide nothing sparks joy.

Egg Quality

Definition: The health and genetic potential of your eggs.AKA: When even your cells are being judged now.

Egg Retrieval

Definition: The procedure that collects mature eggs from your ovaries.AKA: The adult version of an Easter egg hunt—with anesthesia and trauma bonding.

Embryo Grading

Definition: A system for evaluating embryos based on appearance and development.AKA: America’s Next Top Blastocyst.

Endometriosis

Definition: Tissue similar to the uterine lining grows outside the uterus, causing pain and inflammation.AKA: End the pain. End the guessing. End my period already.

FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

Definition: A thawed embryo is transferred into the uterus.AKA: Microwaving hope (gently).Alt Acronym: Fingers Eternally Twisted.

Follicle

Definition: A fluid-filled sac that might contain an egg.AKA: IVF mystery boxes—hope inside? Chaos inside? Who knows.

FSH (Follicle-Stimulating Hormone)

Definition: The hormone that encourages follicles to grow.AKA: The drill sergeant screaming, “GROW, YOU LITTLE OVERACHIEVERS!”

Geriatric Pregnancy

Definition: Pregnancy at 35 or older.AKA: When your uterus is labeled “advanced” but your playlist still bangs.

Hormone Hell

Definition: The side effects of fertility meds and injections.AKA: Rage, tears, snacks, repeat.

HSG (Hysterosalpingogram)

Definition: An X-ray using dye to check if your fallopian tubes are open.AKA: The plumbing inspection from hell.

Hydrosalpinx

Definition: A fallopian tube filled with fluid that blocks implantation.AKA: The ultimate bad roommate for embryos.

ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection)

Definition: A single sperm is injected directly into an egg.AKA: VIP access for sperm—“Don’t worry, I’m on the list.”

Implantation

Definition: When an embryo attaches to the uterine lining.AKA: When your embryo knocks on your womb like, “Hey, mind if I crash here?”

Infertility

Definition: The inability to conceive after 12 months of trying (6 months if you’re over 35).AKA: When your uterus decides teamwork is optional.Fun Fact: Affects 1 in 6 people of reproductive age worldwide.

IUI (Intrauterine Insemination)

Definition: Sperm is placed directly into the uterus during ovulation.AKA: Science’s version of “just the tip.”

IVF (In Vitro Fertilization)

Definition: Eggs are retrieved, fertilized in a lab, and transferred into the uterus.AKA: The Olympic triathlon of reproduction—shots, surgery, and tears.Alt Acronym: I’m Very Fragile.

LH (Luteinizing Hormone)

Definition: The hormone that triggers ovulation.AKA: The overly enthusiastic event planner for your eggs.

Luteal Phase

Definition: The second half of your cycle, after ovulation.AKA: Two weeks of overanalyzing every twinge and boob tingle.

Menstruation / Menstrual Cycle

Definition: The monthly shedding of the uterine lining.AKA: If MEN only knew… it’s literally in the word. The only subscription you can’t cancel.

Ovary / Ovaries

Definition: The hormone-producing, egg-releasing organs of pure chaos.AKA: “We might. We might not. Depends on our mood.”

Ovulation

Definition: The monthly release of an egg from the ovary.AKA: The Hunger Games of reproduction. May the odds be ever in your favor.

PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome)

Definition: A hormonal disorder that messes with ovulation, insulin, and mood.AKA: Personally Coping On Snacks.

PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)

Definition: The post-transfer mindset before your pregnancy test.AKA: The delusional optimism era we all deserve.

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL)

Definition: Two or more consecutive miscarriages.AKA: The cruelest rerun. Love that keeps trying anyway.

Salpingectomy

Definition: Surgical removal of one or both fallopian tubes.AKA: When your tubes get fired for underperformance.

Secondary Infertility

Definition: Difficulty conceiving after having one or more children.AKA: “I thought it’d be easier the second time.” Plot twist: it’s not.

Trigger Shot

Definition: The hormone injection that helps eggs mature before retrieval.AKA: The one time you actually want to be triggered.

Tubal Factor Infertility

Definition: Infertility caused by blocked or damaged fallopian tubes.AKA: A traffic jam on the baby highway.

Two-Week Wait (2WW)

Definition: The time between transfer/ovulation and testing for pregnancy.AKA: The longest 14 days known to humankind.

Unexplained Infertility

Definition: When all tests are normal, but pregnancy still doesn’t happen.AKA: The medical version of “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Uterus

Definition: The womb — the central stage for pregnancy.AKA: The diva of your reproductive system: high-maintenance, dramatic, and easily offended.

---

So yeah, fertility has its own language—a mash-up of Latin, lab coats, and emotional trauma.But if we can’t control the vocabulary, at least we can own it—with humor, sarcasm, and a healthy dose of rebellion.

Because maybe my ovaries are diminished, my uterus is geriatric, and my cervix is temperamental, but my humor? Still 5AA quality, baby.

💬 Let’s Talk About It

Which fertility term makes you cringe, laugh, or want to throw a speculum across the room?Drop your pick in the comments — I might feature your definition in the next “IVF’d Glossary” update.